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The First and the Last Time to See My Dad

Here is a guest blog from Mahj Tayoto, that expresses how every child longs to know his father. So blessed with this entry!

I grew up wondering where my dad was. I started asking mom when I entered school, where some of my classmates were accompanied by their dad. Since then, I imagined how’s the feeling if dad would carry my bag. I settled with the line “My mom is enough, I have step dad anyway. That would be enough” but when the question “where is he” asked. Mom won’t say anything.

All my curiosity stopped when as I grow older. I got tired asking Mama. Time passed and I entered college. The season of my life where I thought I could no longer feel the emptiness in my heart because I was surrounded with people who knew where they want to be. I joined organization where I can express myself. Theater. I’ve been in drama play. And in each stage plays, I’m still thinking about him. That inspired me to be good where I was. But every time I’m alone. The emptiness is killing me. I thought I would be living that kind of life forever. Acting like everything is okay. I have my own role to play everyday.

tumblr_lmzirj7wcz1qb51w5o1_400All had changed when I met someone who showed me how much he loves me. He said he wouldn’t leave me. He cares for me. He loves me and my family. He said, He knew me from the beginning. And promised that I could have a great future with Him. I finally found peace in my heart every time I talked to Him. And I never been contented my whole life since I met Him. My savior, Jesus Christ. I decided to have a relationship with Him. And I found out, God is father to the fatherless. And since then, I felt the contentment in my heart that I couldn’t ask for more.

A big revelation was happened last year. It was November 2, 2013 when we received a news from one of our relatives informing us that my dad had died. I was in the church and hurriedly went home. I really wanted to go in my dad’s wake right away that night. I’m excited to see him. At the same time, my heart is breaking to see him without breath. All my hope of dancing with him, hearing him saying my name, hugging him, were all gone. I regret that I didn’t look after him when I still had the time. I regret that I stopped looking for him. I couldn’t cry in his wake because his family didn’t know me. They didn’t have any idea that I am his daughter. I saw how puzzled they were that they saw me in such sorrow. I let the night passed.

I decided to go home early in the morning to refresh my mind. I was really shocked that night. That night that I first saw my dad was also the very first time to know his name. To see how he looks like. And that night, I knew he’s the dad I love from the very beginning. I knew I love him
even he’s not around for 23 years. The pain that grew with me wasn’t there anymore.

In his absence I’ve learned to forgive him. I’ve learned to forgive mama and to love her more. And to depend more to God because He sustains love, love, that completes me.

Happy Father’s Day to my Dad in Heaven!