SEX MYTH #1: You can have sex without consequences.
“Hey I’m having sex, and I don’t have AIDS, and I’m not pregnant.”
“I don’t see any visible consequence(s) when I have sex outside of marriage.”
Every minute, people in the city you live in are having sex. We have a lot of friends and co-workers who have sex just for the sake of having sex. For them, it’s “just” sex. Sex has become as casual as two people grabbing a cup of coffee. Casual sex needs no emotional connection. We just use each other so we can feel the pleasure of sex. The world has been trying to tell us that we can have sex without any consequences. We are becoming a nation that is having a lot of sex without connecting to each other. It’s just sex. Casual.
However, every time you have sex, something happens. There is always a consequence in sex. The consequence of having sex with my wife each time is a stronger marriage. This happens because we enjoy it within the boundaries of marriage. Not so with singles. Studies show that people who engage in premarital sex have a higher probability of divorce, a bad marriage, or a bad sex life after marriage. It is impossible to have sex and not be left unchanged, because sex is the act of giving oneself fully to another.1
A girl was asking me for counsel because her boyfriend, whom she is sexually active with, was hurting her and cheating on her. With all the evidence she had and all the pain he was giving her, the most logical decision would have been to leave him–but she could not. Why couldn’t she leave him? Because she had found her acceptance and love from him, even if he didn’t really love her and was just using her for his pleasure. In sex, you give fully of yourself to your sexual partner.
Another consequence that is not visible to the naked eye is called imprinting. Best-selling author and love coach Mark Gungor explained imprinting as “connecting the context with experience”.2
That means my first sexual experience will inevitably define the context of how I view sex.
Man’s Sex Imprint
Those who have their first sexual experience outside of marriage tend to imprint on the lust of illicit sex.
The reason so many men want their wives to act like prostitutes and porn stars is because their first sexual experience was either through porn or sex with a prostitute. Other men tend to “rape” their wives because their first sex experience was done in the context of lust. Even if they are married, the wife feels violated because her husband was too rough or too selfish while having sex.
On the other hand, those who have their first sexual experience within the context of marriage tend to imprint on their wife. When we got married, our honeymoon was the first time I had sex with Thammie. It was awkward, but it was fulfilling. After ten years of marriage, I can say that waiting for our honeymoon night to have sex was one of the greatest decisions we had made in our marriage.
Woman’s Sex Imprint
When a woman experiences sex without marital commitment, she learns the falsehood that sex means little to nothing. Why? Because nothing else happens afterwards. No meaningful result ensues, and the guy does not call back, or worse, breaks up with her. The woman eventually gets married and continues to think that sex is not a big deal. That is why they think sex is only for the husband who wants something from them, rather than a shared experience between couples.
Below is the video of Pastor Mark Gungor explaining the IMPRINTING principle:
I once had a conversation with a woman from church who wanted to talk to me about her sexual problem. I asked one of our female discipleship group leaders to sit in and listen with me. She started sharing with us how she had been jumping from one sexual relationship to another without any conviction from the Holy Spirit. She then started sharing how it had destroyed her relationships with her parents, friends, ex-boyfriends, and even God.
In his book Why Wait? Pastor Josh Mcdowell explained the power of sex using the illustration of a knife. A knife in a hand of a two-year-old boy can be very, very dangerous and is unwise. In the hands of an adult or a skilled chef, a knife becomes part of creating delicious dishes. Likewise sex, if used properly, in the context of how God designed it, can be a tool for building families and strengthening marriages, but if misused and abused, can lead to a miserable life and cause damage to relationships.
So to every single man and woman who is still a virgin, your word for the day is: WAIT! The reward comes to those who wait. I was a virgin when I got married. My only sexual imprint is my wife. The great thing about this is that there will never be any comparison. She was and will always be my only sexual partner and standard.
Solomon reminds us not to awaken love until the right time, because having sex outside marriage has its consequences.
Song of Songs 2:7 NIV
7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
But Dennis, what about me? I’ve been hooked onto pornography and have had sex with my partner but we are not married. Can I still have a great sex life?
Of course! Your sexual metabolism might be slower, but the imprints can be supernaturally erased. I am not being hyper-spiritual or mystical about this, but even the imprints of pornography were erased from my mind when I had an encounter with God. I have tried recalling the name of the porn stars I Googled back then, and I can’t. It’s amazing!
If Satan does not want you to have a great sex life, God, on the other hand, desires for you to have the best sex ever!
excerpts taken from Why Settle for Good Sex when you can have Great Sex?
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